The amount of nature I need to balance out the stress I’ve been under hasn't been adding up. There is plenty around me to refill my cup, then reality hits that I don’t have enough money. The lake house is the most I have ever spent on rent — I knew that going in, and I knew it would be hard. I thought it was meant to be, so I would figure it out? My first month here, I had to put a portion of my rent on a credit card, and I swore I would never do that again. September came, and I was only a few hundred short from having to break that promise.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks while trying to scrape together whatever I could to pay rent — I work so hard to have this wonderful roof over my head, and yet … am I actually enjoying it? When I first dreamed of the lake house, I pictured myself doing yoga and reading on the porch. Swimming every day, rain or shine. Bathing outside in one of the two tubs as part of my daily ritual. I am giving myself grace as I have only lived here a little over a month, and August was hard. Like, really hard. I was sick for a week, and when you’re self-employed with no savings, it adds in a double dose of stress to the mix. Howdy got sick, and an unexpected vet bill never helps. I am still getting settled, but I am checking myself on wanting to be more present here and actually enjoy the space I work so hard to live in.
I wake up with anxiety wanting to jump from one task to the next. I spend the morning trying to ground myself down for the day. I let the dogs out and make my coffee, trying to drink water or eat something beforehand because I know coffee spikes your cortisol levels, but I am addicted. I stand barefoot on the cold ground littered with dead pine needles and moss. I soak up the sun if there is any and admire the trees and clovers. Nature is my true home and as along as I have access to it, I can come back to myself. Mentally, I make gratitude lists, which is not hard to do. I have SLOW DOWN tattooed on my hands, and I still overlook the constant reminder.
I try and not touch my phone until after I’ve journaled and done my morning routines. I’ve been skipping yoga and will do a light stretching instead, but depending on my stress level, sometimes I do nothing for my body. With more stress I should prioritizing my body even more, but that’s not how it always works. I used to meditate, but I tell myself I don’t have time for that. "You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour." A quote I’d read in some Zen self-help book, that I should take into consideration. How can my higher self come in if my brain won’t stop looping?
Next comes forcing myself to make a smoothie as the dogs wrestle beneath my feet, eager to lick the peanut butter from the spoon. I’m already buzzing and rushing to get the day started to sew and work, but the dogs come first. I leash them up knowing their walk is crucial and necessary for all three of us. On our walk I lose service and can’t check my emails, my bank account or my direct messages on Instagram. I am able to look up and witness my surroundings. The dogs stop and smell everything, so curious and excited. It’s the same route we do daily, yet you’d think it was their first time. The road that rounds the lake, also used as a logging road, has no sidewalks. It can be scary, but it’s not as busy as where we were at in Portland. Counting my blessings.
When I was living on the farm in Northern California, I had a work trade agreement with no rent to pay and few distractions. While there were other stressors against me during that time (heartbreak and giving all my money to the IRS to get caught up on taxes) I had an unrelenting dedication to my rituals. I would wake up around 5 am and light a candle due to being on solar, and then I would make lemon water and coffee or green tea. I would journal three full pages, meditate and do yoga for at least an hour, and then finally check my phone and start the day. I would be ready for work trade at 10 am, and be grounded and centered. The dogs would follow me around on any project we were working on and would get their exercise by chasing the ATV while we rode from one vineyard to the next.
I have to shift back to that mindset and perspective, or it will all be for nothing. I have to be proactive in budgeting and implementing my routines again. I know what helps me and brings me back in to my body, I just need to access that. Either way, I always get by, so if god doesn’t want me to have a savings account and somehow make it work, then that’s what god wants. I’m not giving up, but letting go.
Abundance is not something that only lives in your bank account. I am well-resourced in material to make more garments, I have this Substack which fuels me on another creative level, I have this beautiful lake house to live in, and I have my truck, which has gone a whole year without any issues *knocks rapidly on wood*. I have a fridge full of food, sunflowers on my dining table, a fresh roll of film in my camera, and a stack of good books (and now I just need to make time to read them). I have a partner who loves me deeply and unconditionally, always willing to lend me money if needed. I resist, but the option is there and I am grateful. I have been working feverishly on a new dress pattern, and planting these seeds of passive income will deem fruitful over time. If I always make it work and figure it out, why roll in the stress? I don’t want to take away from the hard work I’ve already done and drift from the present moment. I want to soak it up and enjoy it all.
Last week, Cory hooked up one of the tubs on the porch for me so I could take my first bath outside here. He lit candles and asked if I wanted any tea or sweet treats. I listened to my weekly reading by Chani while looking up at the canopy of trees and watching the bats swarm in the dusk light. The dogs were tired from a day at the beach, asleep on the couch next to me, and that is peace. I felt as if it had all came together and made sense. This is what the hard work is for — I want to enjoy every second of my life. My bills may be piling up, but I hope to round this corner soon.
Being resourceful is part of my brand, my business and my nature. It’s been embedded in me on a subconscious level—that can be beneficial, and yet I feel it hinders me on the financial level. I deserve to live here, to not be scraping by with this scarcity mindset, and I deserve to be free from debt. I’ve had moments where I wondered if this was the right decision. Moving out to the middle of no where, again. I don’t want to over extend myself, but I know the lake house is where I am supposed to be. I want to surrender to the good as much as I’ve tried to surrender to the “bad”. It will work out as it should, because either way — this life is a gift.
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with love,
Taylor, Howdy & Gravy
Thank you for sharing :) I feel like the older I get and the more money I make there’s always financial stress in some form and I feel like finding the balance of making yourself happy now and looking to the future we are all grappling with :) But being grounded and in your element will always benefit you in the short and long run :)
This was so good this week! Coming off 3 years of constant financial stress I know the feelings you’re feeling. Enjoy those baths and enjoy that loving!