nothing should stay the same

friendship, the shed, and a new version of myself

Even good change can take some adjusting. I’ve been pulled in the direction of gratitude and then what feels like unworthiness. A back and forth I think I've struggled with my whole life. I know I deserve to be here, to enjoy every part of this new chapter, but my subconscious does not. Why is it so hard to let go?

Fueled with the desire to prove that I can handle anything, moving to the farm was the obvious next step after the cabin. Deep down I know it was exactly what I needed, but I now see how I was punishing myself. Having to go without so many things and to be so isolated. It was what I thought I deserved? For falling into extreme tax debt, for feeling unsure of my relationship, for being fragile in my sobriety. I deserved to live in the middle of nowhere, without clean drinking water, among countless other amenities. At least until I could get my shit together.

It’s hard to believe it’s already been a month in my new home. I find myself feeling like a child, as if it’s too adult for me. I ran my blender and juicer through the dishwasher on HIGH, quickly learning not everything is “dishwasher safe”. Three hours later, everything plastic came out contorted.

Some days I look around this house and it doesn’t feel like mine. In response to moving out of a construction zone, where saw dust was stuck to my socks and yoga matt, I’m craving the complete opposite. I’ve sold and donated most of my things. I bought a couch off marketplace I dont think I like? That has been referred to as “basic, pumpkin spice”. I feel confused on what my style is anymore. I want simple, clean and new - to match my space and new life. Not broken, old and dirty.

I bought two brand new cream colored waffle towels, thinking maybe I could be the type of girl who has nice things now? I won’t stain these with makeup or wipe the dogs paws with them? It’s contradicting the sustainable life style I preach, so I feel the guilt deep. I have an abundance of raggedy vintage towels already, why do I need new? I am too hard on myself and I think higher self-worth means, I deserve things that bring me joy. Every time I use them, washed with the new washer and dryer, and nice eco friendly detergent - I am filled with gratitude. I am worthy.

We have found the best walking routes to the nearest dog parks with the best views.

We have explored a lot of St. Johns. and made a handful of new friends. Just strolling around my neighborhood and seeing how other people live fills my cup. Everyday on the farm was the same, it was beautiful, but it got old quick. My truck is still acting up, so we technically have to walk everywhere, but it’s good for the boys and my brain. To have access to food carts, and coffee shops again has me trying to factor in a budget for flirty drinks and take out. I need to sell a kidney…

One day after I took the boys on a long walk, I dropped them off at home and decided to check out Shop Lyko on Lombard. I opened the door and was greeted with the smell of incense, a dog named Eddie, and a warm smile from behind the counter. My ears perked up. Wait? I know this voice. It took me a second, but I quickly realized she was listening to CHANI’s weekly reading. My favorite astrologer. She clicked around on her computer to switch to music, apologizing. I freaked out and gushed over my love for Chani and how I listen to her daily. Heather was the shop owner, and we hit it off right away. I introduced myself and she connected the dots that she followed me on Instagram. We knew some mutual brands and people. Poking around the store affirmed such, as I saw a lot of my favorite companies and items I already owned. Witchy, BIPOC/woman owned and with cute marketing. I was lit up from our interaction and knew I would be shopping there often.

Later that night, I posted how my sewing machine wouldn’t fit in the basement of my house. I was stressed and in search of a studio with a lot of outlets and natural light. I did not sew most of January, and I needed something small and affordable. Heather responded, “I have a studio shed in the back if you want to come check it out?”

Self Portrait shot by me with self timer on 35mm - in my new studio set up

The following day I came to take a peak, and it was exactly what I was looking for. So much natural light, shelves, outlets for days, and less than 5 minute walk from my house! I told her I wanted it right then and there. I ran over all the plans and ideas I had, and we decided on a work trade agreement as payment. I would work a couple days in the shop, and the shed could be mine.

After we discussed the shed, she asked if I had plans later? Dean Johnson was playing a show at a bar down the street. Never heard, but I had nothing else to do.

Dean Johnson, preforming at The Fixin’ To

It’s only happened maybe one or twice in my life. Where I’ve seen an artist live that I have never heard before, that grabs my attention so intensely. It was exactly what I needed to hear. As I stood in the front row, film camera in hand, new friends behind me. There was no where else I was supposed to be. Before he played the song, I now know to be Acting School - he explained the meaning behind it. “walking around with a broken heart, where that’s all you want to talk about” I started to cry as he started to sing. It was all kismet.

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When I think of these times in my life, where everything falls into place - it puts me in check and reminds me to surrender. It’s okay to feel it all. Change can have ups and down, but ultimately the universe (god, source etc.) is always looking out for me. What’s meant for me will NOT miss me. Good or “bad”. It is leading me in the right direction. Is that too many woowoo sayings at once? I could go all day.

at the end of the day, I am on the right path.

I share with you a “love spell” playlist, that turns into heartbreak in the end. Because it always does.