Suffering is apart of life. It’s unavoidable. Just like my ex would say “Death, taxes and cold girlfriend” It’s me. Hi. I was the cold girlfriend.
Whether it be the end of a situationship, a long term relationship, or a marriage. It all sucks and doesn’t feel good. This has been the most painful break up I’ve ever experienced, and I chalk it up to feeling it all? I’m sober and I can’t avoid the pain anymore. I won’t numb this one out with drinking, pills, or sleeping with unavailable men. I’ve ran my grief out like a dog who’s been locked up in a cage. I sat with it. I’ve held it. I didn’t skip the songs that hurt. I add blueberries to my smoothies knowing they were his favorite. I finished off his bag of chips. I removed the photos from the fridge. I shipped the playstation he forgot, cushioned with one single sock I found under my bed. It still lingers.
I read somewhere that to get an idea of how much time it takes to get over someone, you take the time you were together and divide it by 4. So, 3 years / by 4 = 9 months. Math. I am a third of the way through and I wish it was that simple. I wish I could predict how I would feel in six months, because it is concerning how much it still hurts. I hope that there is this peaceful clearing ahead, where I can hear his name and it doesn’t make my heartache. Where I can listen to the band Slow Pulp and it doesn’t make me wanna puke. Where I can eat a BLT without crying.
My notes app is filled with things I’ll never send. My friends are losing empathy for my 2+ min long voice notes, contemplating the end and if we could have an “after time”. I have filled up two journals and burnt them. I am trying everything I can to get this out of me, and am patient with the ups and downs. I live in the middle of no where, with nothing to distract myself from the pain, so I have to live through it.
My therapist agrees that the pain is like losing a limb, and the extreme comparison is validating.
Looking at the past, I know the day will come. Where it doesn’t hurt anymore. It doesn’t affect me to see my previous ex who I dated for almost 5 years. Seeing photos of him and his new girlfriend? Go on. Get. I don’t care. I feel nothing. And I thought he was the love of my life. Sometimes it’s hard to zoom out and see how I’ve done this before, and it always ends up being okay. I will be okay.
So, I’m past the point of beating myself up over still hurting this intensely. I try and squash the questions that loop in my brain and trust this is how it’s supposed to be. I recognize that I’m healing more than just the loss of him and his dog. I’m feeling all of the abandonment from my whole life at once. Not dissociating like I did most of my childhood. Not drinking like I did in my teens and all of my 20’s to numb out. All the delayed grief from everything I’ve tried to shove down, is being purged. It’s a lot to unpack, but every day it gets more clear that this is the work that will benefit me in the long run. At 32 years old, there is no more avoiding it. I don’t want to carry it anymore.
After 3 months, I am seeing the light again. For the first time in my life I can honestly say I know what it means to fully love and accept myself. Self love for me right now is forgiving myself. Something I have to actively do every single day. I have done so much work to forgive others for hurting me, and deep down I think I’ve been the most upset with myself. I am the common denominator in all this pain. Deep down I think I’ve blamed myself all along.
Now I am taking accountability for whats inside of me. I don’t want to project on to other people, point fingers, or push people away with my hyper vigilance. I don’t want to live in the middle of no where and hide from connection anymore. I want to be able to accept love from others and accept people for who they are, exactly where they are on their journey. I want to let go of being judgmental and trying to control everyone and everything. It’s going to take time, but I have hope that this realization could set me free.
If you are experiencing heartbreak. I challenge you to let yourself be with it. We try to avoid pain and suffering, because it fucking hurts. What if we leaned into it and learned from it? What if we forgave ourselves and didn’t live in guilt or shame? I am actively trying this method and I have gained so much insight about myself and how I am as a partner and friend. If I can’t love myself to the full extent, I will only be calling in more painful lessons, and creating more heartbreak. I want to break the cycle.
At the end of the day, everyone currently in my life used to be a stranger, so who knows who I will meet in the future. Healing is not over for me, just like love is not over for me - and it’s not over for you either. I am sorry if you are in heartbreak. If I could, I would lay on the floor next to you. I won’t ask you to get up if you’re not ready. Stay down and feel it all. It won’t last forever, and one day you will be able to pick yourself up, as a more whole authentic you<3
I leave you with a playlist to cry to, and below is one that hurts me in a good way.
“You know I hold it against me
Come back I know you remember me
They say I was always crazy
You know it's all I talk about
Just alone as I'll ever be
Come back I know you hate me
I'd dream but I can't fall asleep
You know it's all I think about
Distance can be such a catalyst
I've been afraid of abandonment
My love just never felt adequate
You know it's all I've got now”
Fog Lake, Talk
Love you, thank you.
-Taylor, Howdy & Gravy
You are in a healthy place with the grief. I was married 20 years, have been divorced 20 years and still grieve on occasion. I cannot stand his new wife. She is odd, awkward, and made no attempt to engage with my kids who are now 28 & 30. But on occasion, I still miss the good things we shared, like love of outdoors. Hang in there. You are doing better than you think.